trying to be strong. it's easy to just put on a front on the outside most of the time. it's what's going on inside of me that really kills me. i have no idea how i'm feeling. i have no idea what to expect. i just hate waiting around. i hate it. driving myself crazy. i've watched more tv than i should. just so i can stop thinking. just so i dont have to feel like i'm all alone. i'm sad. on the inside... deep inside, i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm terrified. i'm scared everything that i've known for over a year will not be my world anymore. i'm scared of losing myself. who am i. who am i. i know i'm strong. i can do fine by myself. but i dont WANT to be by myself. i dunno. i have no idea what he's thinking or feeling. i've given him his space. all of it. bumped into him today. it was hard. hard to not look at him because i would melt. couldnt get myself to look him in the eyes because i was scared that i'd start getting sad in front of him. everyone tells me i need to be strong. i need to prepare myself for the what ifs and the worst case scenario. can i really? can i? it's too hard. how can i prepare myself for something that i do not want. why is it so hard to have faith. i dont. i truly dont have faith. i pride myself on being independent. i am. i know i'm a strong woman inside. then why do i feel so horrible about breaking down. people keep saying its' okay to cry. sometimes i wanna cry. i'm keeping busy. watching tv is a big ol mind rotting past time, but at least i dont think when i'm watching tv. i dont have the motivation to do anything productive. after being sick for a week, it's been really hard to actually DO stuff. i'm annoyed with school. i'm scared of finals. am i weak. for wanting a hug. for missing his hugs. for just wanting him to come over and hug me so i can feel better. is that bad. yes i need him. what if he doesnt need me. what if he doesn't want me in his life anymore. i pretty much wouldnt have a choice even if i wanted him. i'm dying inside. i feel like everything's been shook up. what if he doesnt need me. then what jasmine? ive been pretty good all week. i really have. putting up a good front on the outside. surroundng myself with friends. all the good stuff. its this down time before bed that drives me insane.

i love him. that's all that matters, right?! i'm sad...

 
"How You Gonna Act Like That" by Tyrese

It seems like just the other day that we hooked up
(I was drivin', you was walkin' and I swooped you up)
From that moment on I knew you were the one, yeah
(I was single, you was lonely and we fell in love)

We would sit and talk for hours about anything
(Baby, you hang up, no, you hang up, on three hang up)
I bought your whip, I paid your rent, I gave you everything
(Said you'd always be my baby then you bounce)
How you gonna act

How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that
How you gonna change it up, we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

Girl, I never thought that lovin' you would hurt
(I did everything a good man would to make it work)
Girl, you should have told me you had second thoughts
(Like before I put the down on the house we bought)

Now I'm thinkin' you and me was a mistake
(But then it hits me and I'm missin' all the love we made)
Girl, I know that we've been goin' through some things, yeah
(But the sun is always shinin' even when it rains, oh)

I'll be the one you kick it to
I'll be the one that misses you
I'll be the one to ease your pain
I'll be the one you'll want to gain
And you'll be the one who can't forget
You'll be the one that's innocent
You'll be the one I can't hide
You'll be the one that makes me cry, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Why you do)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta act like that)
How you gonna change it up (Whoa, ho, baby), we just
finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (But I need you)

How you gonna act like we (Oh) don't be makin' love
(Whoa: baby, baby)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff, that ghetto love
How you gonna trip, how could you forget
How you gonna act like that

You know I'm willin' to do anything
Just to keep you in my heart (Keep you in my heart)
I messed around and gave up everything
I thought we'd never part (Yes, I did, baby)
I was a player and made the choice to give my heart to you
And I gotta keep it that way, ooh, baby

How you gonna up and leave me now (Ooh, baby)
How you gonna act like that (Why you gotta treat me this way)
How you gonna change it up (Why you treat me wrong),
we just finished makin' up
How you gonna act like that (Can me somebody tell me why)

How you gonna act
(Why, why) like we don't be makin' love (Hey)
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff (Oh, oh, baby),
that ghetto love
How you gonna trip (All my friends became your friends),
how can you forget
(All my ends became your ends)
How you gonna act like that

Keepin' love ghetto (All I want is you)
Keepin' love ghetto (All I need is you)
Keepin' love ghetto (All I need is you)
Keepin' love ghetto (All I need is you, all I need is you, babe)

How you gonna up and leave me now (Oh, babe, how you gonna act like that)
How you gonna act like that (Hey, hey)
How you gonna change it up (Oh), we just finished
makin' up (Why you actin' so shady, oh, oh, baby)
How you gonna act like that (Anything you want in me I got ya, hey)

How you gonna act like we don't be makin' love
You know we be tearin' it up, breakin' stuff (Why you actin' so shady),
that ghetto love
How you gonna trip (Oh, oh, baby), how can you forget
How you gonna act like that

How you gonna up and leave me now
How you gonna act like that

 
maybe i should have blogged my valentine's weekend when it was fresh in my mind =T o'wells. i had fun though. dinner with adam. big bear over the weekend. it was nice.

i want to vent. i didnt want to blog because i didnt want everyone up in my bizness... but i type so much faster than i write. and typing in microsoft word seems so weird. urgh. i guess i dont want to blog right now.

showertime.

i need him. is that so bad.