i seem to only blog when i have lots of my mind or when i'm upset. however, i choose to blog now... not for venting but just to express some more randomness...

it's kinda weird when people come up to me and tell me that they read my blogs. just because i honestly write them more for myself than for anyone else. however, when i told adam about my blogs and stuff, he was trying to figure out why i write them. he thinks that i want people to hear what i have to say. even though i agree in the fact that anyone that has an online journal probably on some subconscious (if not conscious) level, wants to be heard. i think that's why we write in general, to be heard. but yeah, it's kind of weird when people come up to me and tell me they read my blogs... especially when adam's around. and it's just awkward because i'm sure adam's thinking.. damn all these people are up in OUR business. i just dont wanna to offend adam... he says its cool and i know he's being honest, but i cant help but worry if me voicing out my frustrations about him, get to him.

i had a nice weekend. didnt go to retreat on friday night like i had planned because i wanted to spend time with adam. i felt like we hadn't spent much time together, just me nad him... without apsa... so yeah it was nice. we went to eat at mimi's cafe. the wait was long so adam got a hair cut and came back. i was kinda upset because he was frustrated that we had to wait for like 40 minutes.... he was hungry. but we took a nap and i slept longer than i had planned. so i already felt all bad before we even got to the restaurant for making him wait for me to wake up... but yeah... after all that waiting and stuff, we ate. it was lovely. i love the ambiance of the restaurant. so home-y. we rented "about a boy" and watched that with reggie. woke up early next morning and went to the retreat. it was alright. i felt bad that i didnt sleep over and my workshop kinda sucked. i guess i could have better prepared for it but yeah... i didnt know i was really gonna do it until friday. it was fun to shoot pool and stuff and watch adam lose on madden to victor 93 to 0. who the heck are the "fire" anyway. hehehe.

oh yeah.. thursday, watched adam play IM basketball. he's so sexy when he plays sports. hehe. i dont know what it is. but yeah.. he's quick and he's like the good sport-pump everyone up-cheer people on... type. =) and he's quick.. haha. so sexy. but yeah... he bought super bowl tickets off his roommate and decided to take his dad to the super bowl because mr. ko is a raiders fan and he has season tickets but he didnt get super bowl tickets in the lottery for season ticket holders. i thought that that was very thoughtful... not only because the tickets are hella expensive, but it was just really kind-hearted and that's adam for ya. =) so yeah after the retreat, i hung out with jackie and then i had dinner with mr. ko and adam's roommates at tofu house, some korean place. it was fun. i haven't had korean food in a real restaurant. afterwards, adam, mr. ko and i went downtown. it was so packed. took us forever just to get into downtown. crazy people man. but yeah we went up the hill from the airport and watched the 4 fireworks show... it was beautiful. =) i've never seen san diego so packed and so alive. it's was so strange this past week. i really wanted to go to gaslamp and downtown ... to go celebrity hunting but alas... i didnt have time and didnt feel like paying $100 cover charges to go to a bar. but yeah.. on sunday. i offered to drive adam and his dad to the fashion valley trolley stop and pick them up. i dropped them off. came back. bought food and drinks. ate pizza. watched the super bowl. drank. had friends over. i love friends. =) watched the raiders lose. no doubt rocks. then picked up adam from ikea area. dropped my sister off back to state. had pho with mr. ko and adam. and yeah spent the night there. it was fun to be a part of adam's super bowl experience. i was so excited for him. maybe even more excited than he was. =) they were so cute too... dressed up in their raider shirts and stuff. father and son outings. what a sight. =) oh .. and on my way back from dropping them off in the morning, i saw the charter buses leave the hyatt in la jolla with police escort so i figured that was the buses carrying the raiders. hehe. that's the closest to a celebrity sighting that i got this week. =) phil said he saw britney spears at foot locker but yeah i doubt it. it was fun this whole week. felt so cool to be a part of a happenin' city and to be proud to be a part of it. and how deceiving was the weather?! people think.. wow sd has wonderful weather all year round. its even 81 degrees in january. haha. weird. they should live in la jolla. they'll be so disappointed. but yes.. i have a super bowl towel from adam that i will hang up on my wall to remind me of all this hoopla.

i have lots more to say. but im too tired. midterm tomorrow. it's already 4th week. gees louise. i'm doing well. i'm happier than i have been. i need to learn to relax. i figured out why i dont sleep easy... i dont relax my body when i lie down. i tense up and curl my legs and all this other stuff... so that's why i can't sleep right away. so yes.. i need to learn to relax. i seriously think i have been suffering from generalized anxiety disorder and a little bit of social phobia/agoraphobia all my life. i'm overly anxious. f'real. haha that's what i get for being a psychology major. i learn all this stuff and then i start self-diagnosing myself with all of it. haha. but i'm happy. i feel good. i feel in control again. adam and i are communicating better and more... i love ending my days with him. sleepy time for jasmine. =)

 
it's been a long week. long days. and it's only a 4 day week man. ay yi yi. i'm tired. in every sense... i'm tired of school i'm tired of thinking i'm tired of my relationship. i'm plain ol' tired...

"Home Now" - No Doubt

I'm hanging out with me
And you're a vacant chair
A chosen compromise
This space we rarely share

And if you lived here you'd be home now

So what you givin' up for me?
And what shall I give up for you?
Aimless expectations passing by

If you lived here you'd be home now
If you lived here you'd be home now

And to make it real
I need to have you here
I need to have you
I need to hold you

Barren wasted heart
Neglect of normalcy

And if you lived here you'd be home now
Oh if you lived here you'd be home now

And to make it real
I need to have you here
I need to have you
It can't be sincere
Unless you spend time here
I need to see you...

Supervision is what I need
Some consistence, tangibility
Some casual light days
Part of the furniture
I want to take you for granted
And see you regular

So what you givin' up for me?
And what shall I give up for you?
The separations tired, it's been too long

And to make it real
I need to have you here
I need to have you
It can't be sincere
Unless you spend time here
I need to see you
I need you...

Come home now

.... and if you alls think that i write the blogs i write to get attention from adam. it's far from that. he doesnt even care about my blogs. he doesnt go online ever so yeah... even though i hate that so many people are up in my business like people i dont even talk to very much... my blogs are for me to voice my thoughts out. and the few people that read, i just expect that they're reading cuz they care about me and wanna know what's up with me.. instead of judging me.

 
i had to post this... =)

bbmahal637: i likes =) (i rearranged my bed)
bbmahal637: but now im on a cleaning frenzy
bbmahal637: hehe
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: and it's not even finals week!
bbmahal637: like i wanna tear my room upside down
bbmahal637: i know!!!!
bbmahal637: that's what i was telling richard
bbmahal637: it feels like finals week when i'm doing everythng possible to keep from studying
bbmahal637: heheheh
mochicamry: it's addicting though... when i rearranged my desk everything else had to get cleaned too
bbmahal637: i know
bbmahal637: weird
bbmahal637: i feel the urge to clean out my closet
bbmahal637: but that would take me days
bbmahal637: so i closed the door..
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: looks clean from the outside
bbmahal637: hehehe
mochicamry: good thinking
bbmahal637: did you do your hw?
mochicamry: no
mochicamry: =(
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: i'm addicting to reading other ppl's blogs
bbmahal637: hahaha
mochicamry: not even of my friends, but of random ppl
bbmahal637: how do you do that
bbmahal637: stalker
bbmahal637: hehe
mochicamry: i'll just jump from blog to blog using their links
bbmahal637: one time i came across a stranger's blog that was talking about how she was gonna keep sex from her bf cuz he farted at her
bbmahal637: that was the funniest
bbmahal637: out of all the random one's i've read
mochicamry: i'm a voyuer i guess...
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: how funny
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: haha i should tell that to adam
bbmahal637: no farting...
bbmahal637: or no sex
bbmahal637: hahahaha
bbmahal637: that's only cuz he farts all the time though =)
mochicamry: puahaha
bbmahal637: yes i'm gonna tell him that
bbmahal637: =)
mochicamry: maybe he'll get a tighter butt because of all the clenching...
mochicamry: hahahaha
mochicamry: or an ulcer from the stress of holding it in
bbmahal637: hahaha ewwww
bbmahal637: i'm gonna tell him that too
bbmahal637: O:-)
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: haha
bbmahal637: i'm a great girlfriend... a great "catch"
bbmahal637: everyone should marry me
mochicamry: exactly
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: shoot
mochicamry: i think you mean to say that you're a great catch for billy
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: oh yes...
bbmahal637: i should narrow down my numerous choices...
bbmahal637: BILLY should wanna marry me
bbmahal637: there you go. .thanks reggie =)
mochicamry: hahaha... okie now that's settled i can order the monogrammed towels for you too as a wedding gift
bbmahal637: wow... so thoughtful
bbmahal637: i should tell billy not to fart either
bbmahal637: =)
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: would you rather get a fart in the mouth or nose?
mochicamry: if you had a choice
bbmahal637: haha
bbmahal637: why would i have to choose???
mochicamry: i dunno... just a random question
bbmahal637: if i were on superman and i had a baby in my arms.. and if i had to choose between a fart in the mouth or the nose
bbmahal637: i think i'd choose the nose
mochicamry: plus the world's fate is in your hands since you have to decide
bbmahal637: and remember to catch my baby
bbmahal637: hahaha
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: yourself?
mochicamry: yeah i'd prolly rather get a fart in the nose too
mochicamry: better than tasting it
bbmahal637: yeah exactly
mochicamry: either way you're getting fart molecules
bbmahal637: hahahaha grossss
bbmahal637: was it you who said when you smell poop you're actually tasting it ???
mochicamry: yeah
bbmahal637: eewww
bbmahal637: yuck
mochicamry: it's the actual molesules you're smelling
bbmahal637: now i really dont want adam to fart anymore
bbmahal637: ewwwwww
mochicamry: hahahaha
mochicamry: yeah, you're getting his butt molecules up into your nose
bbmahal637: gross
mochicamry: i guess more of a reason to make him stop
bbmahal637: you know what the ironic thing is though...
bbmahal637: he has this whole idea in his head that i dont fart or go #2
bbmahal637: just cuz i dont fart around him or whatever...
bbmahal637: haha
mochicamry: why is that?
mochicamry: do you just don't fart or just don't do it in front of him?
bbmahal637: i fart
bbmahal637: haha
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: but as a LADY... you dont just go around farting everywhere
bbmahal637: haha
mochicamry: haha
bbmahal637: right?
mochicamry: but when you do, you've reached the wonderful point int he relationship when it doesn';t matter
bbmahal637: haha
bbmahal637: i guess
bbmahal637: =P
mochicamry: you've removed all the mystery when you fart
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: it's like peeing with the door open
bbmahal637: yeah i dont think i can do that anytime soon
bbmahal637: f'real...
bbmahal637: that's just too exposed
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: gross
mochicamry: that wouldn't work in this apartment anyways
mochicamry: we'd all get too freaked out if anyone was peeing with the door open
bbmahal637: when adam and i first started dating.. we were with his friend omid.. and adam farted... and omid was like, "damn, you're farting in front of her already?"
mochicamry: awwww
mochicamry: he likes you
bbmahal637: hahaha
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: lol
bbmahal637: those lovely fart molecules
mochicamry: i wonder how early in a relationship you can start farting without the other person thinking "i'm not going to see that person again..."
bbmahal637: urgh now it's 11:30
mochicamry: hahaha
bbmahal637: yeah
mochicamry: yeah i better get ready for bed
mochicamry: have work in the morning
mochicamry: bleh
bbmahal637: =T
bbmahal637: what about your hw
mochicamry: that can wait till tomorrow i guess
bbmahal637: haha
bbmahal637: yay procrastination.. woo hoo
bbmahal637: got sucked into the black hole!
bbmahal637: mwhahaha
mochicamry: oh no!
mochicamry: i've turned into a regular college student
mochicamry: i'm going to have to go to clics tomorrow to combat it
bbmahal637: now pigs are gonna fly
bbmahal637: =)
mochicamry: i think i'm going to senioritis
mochicamry: through
bbmahal637: but you deserve it
mochicamry: i guess... we'll see if i get interviews first
mochicamry: alrighty roomie i'm going to brush my teeth and get to bed
mochicamry: sweet dreams
bbmahal637: =)
bbmahal637: nice talking about farting with you
bbmahal637: anytime.. anytime =)
bbmahal637: nite!!!!
mochicamry: hahaha
mochicamry: nite

 
okay so 4 blogs in one day. must be some sort of record...

i'm sad. and i dont know why. i must be getting my period tomorrow or something cuz it's driving me insane. i had yet another talk with adam tonight... our third this week. all of them instigated by yours truly... i dont know. i just cant get things out of my head. some of the the things he said hurt and probably cuz im too gosh darn sensitive but i dunno!!!! i'm so frustrated. seriously... no doubt's song "running" is getting to me. cuz we're both running but definitely not running together. and sometimes i hate to say it but i'm tempted to just throw in the towel because we always talk about the same ol issue and it never gets any better. i need to feel needed. i need to feel wanted... i need to be courted. i've made it too easy for him... by letting him know early on how much i cared about him... urgh. i'm losing my passion. i miss the flame that we had in the beginning. little things are starting to bother me. i dont know what it is.... adam is such a wonderful guy then why am i doing this to myself. i dont get it. sometimes i just lock myself in my room and turn up my music really loud because i can't stand to hear my own thoughts. i drive myself insane with my wild emotions and my stupid thoughts... and i really just wanna scream. scream scream scream... it's better than crying right. i dont get it. what the hell is going on with me.... i dont know i dont know... he thinks i'm too serious. i know i'm serious. just because i see him in my future makes me serious. he thinks i overanalyze things. i do. i'll admit it. but when things hurt inside i need to tell him before it really eats me up. and then he gets all tired and doesnt wanna talk anymore... ahhhh!!! i cant just act like nothing's going on... i need something. i need a reminder... i need to remind myself that i love this guy... with all my heart ... and more than i have ever known before. more than i ever thought was possible. he makes me happy. he makes me smile. then why am i boggling myself down with little petty things. all i know is that he needs to do something ... anything to show me that i'm being stupid and to scare away all my insecurities... to make up for the "brutally honest" comments... to make me not wanna give up cuz sometimes i just wanna give up. i dont wanna give anymore of myself... not if i'm not gonna get it back in return. i'm being selfish... and even if adam and i dont work out... then i'll pick myself up and move on somehow... go to ucla maybe? i dont know... man... how can my emotions drive me to say such things and feel so alone. *screaming in my head*

 
how do you post pictures on here by the way?

 
okay more blogging.. randomness for ya..

-took my GRE's this morning. my last and final test out of the three (cbest, msat, gre)... so after many hours of test-prepping and then test-taking, i am all done.. woo hoo! it was crazy this morning though. i was on my 2nd to last question and the fire alarms went off. i took the computer based test so we were all in the computer lab... and so we had to "evacuate" the building and then come back. i was so worried that my stuff would get lost.. f'real man... all that work. =) but yeah we came back and everything was alright. =) the cool thing i guess (if there is such a thing when talking about the gre's) was that you get your score right after you finish. so i scored 490 verbal (not that great but 55 percentile) and 630 quantitative ... it really surprised me because there were many moments were my eyes were tired from staring at the computer screen and i was just guessing cuz i was clueless... seriously! even when i answered, i did it real quick and confirmed it quick so i wouldnt go back and look at it cuz it would confuse me more. =) so yay... for a test that i have no studied for and was told not to study for, i think i did alright. =) but yes.. im just glad it's all done... now on to my personal statement and i'll be done with my grad school apps. waiting for my letters of rec ... and yeah, i see the end in sight.
-went shopping afterwards... i had 2 money cards for ae since i did so much shopping there in the past couple of months. =) i bought what probably would have cost me close to $80 if not for the sales and the money cards for only.. get this... $30. woo hoo!!! hehe. i think that is pretty good if i say so myself.
-got cut off by an old lady in car with the disabled parking thing on its license plate... i was going up a hill in clairemont on balboa and i WAS going 50mph but yeah, old lady cut me off... how ironic is that.
-went to erc academic advising to get a degree check. so looks like im ready to graduate in the spring. =) yay for me. only need 4 more classes and im all done... it's such a crazy feeling. it was the first time ive ever feel comfortable at erc's acad advising too.. they've always been kinda rush rush to me but this lady was nice and actually seemed interested in my life. =) that's almost unheard of in the university system
-what is up with the weather... these past couple of days have seriously felt like summer time during the afternoon. the crazy thing is... it gets really cold again at night and in the morning. =) how's a girl to dress man...
-bought the matchbox twenty CD... i love that disease song and rob thomas' voice is very sexy. =) hehe... i'm noticing a trend with my music right now.. very MALE dominated... not as girly as usual... or a part of my grrl music as i like to call it. grrl music = amazing female artists that rock and sing the songs that touches your soul or makes your wanna cry and laugh at the same time... i.e., alicia keys, michelle branch, vanessa carlton, julie plug, emm gryner, bic runga, norah jones, nelly furtado, NO DOUBT, garbage, aaliyah, mya, eve... etc.. but lately, there hasn't been many new female artists coming out or anything that i haven't played over and over on my cd's already on the radio so i guess i've turned to the sexy men instead... =) but fear not, grrl music still rocks my soul... but yes, matchbox twenty CD... im a little disappointed but that's how i usually get whenever i buy a CD and listen to it for the first time... they usually take some time to grow on me...
-does anyone else have problems deciding what to eat? it seems like it's always such a tough decision for me... because 1: i dont wanna cook or i dont have time to cook and when i DO, i dont have anything to cook and i dont have time to go grocery shopping.. OR it's too late to go grocery shopping and it's cold outside.. hehe 2: i've outgrown frozen food. i think i have a distaste or loathing to frozen foods (other than frozen pizza.. it's not delivery it's digiorno!)... maybe cuz i've eaten it so much my 2nd and 3rd year... so no more frozen quick fixes... 3: fast food sucks. too greasy and makes me feel so bad for eating it... and there's only mcdonald's nearby so not much of a selection... 4: flame broiler saved me for awhile but now i'm getting sick of that too... ive gotta cut back. 5) mexican food has lost it's lust... maybe cuz it's finally sunk in my head that eating carne asada burritos at midnight might not be too good for my health.. 6) i eat pho probably twice a week... but yeah, i dont wanna eat that too much either cuz i dont wanna kill that too.. i eat a lot of sam woo too but yeah once a week is okay with me... 7) i've been making a lot of spaghetti lately... but carbs are bad for you. HOWEVER, without rice, bread, pasta, bagels, etc... there really isn't much to eat at all... but yes, one can get tired of spaghetti too... SO therefore, as you can see... there's not much left to choose from. urgh... my indecisiveness kills me though... sometimes i'll be driving in one direction and then decide on something completely different 2 seconds later... wish i could have reggie's cooking skills and just put something awesome and yummy together in like 15 minutes. =) we got recipe cards in the mail today. maybe it's a sign that i need to cook more =) hahaha...
-so ive been watching david play Kingdom Hearts and sadly enough it's really interesting to me. i'm all into it.. even though i'm not the one playing. hehe maybe cuz its disney and it looks like a movie to me and i always sit in front of the tv anyway... hehe. my initial desire to watch was to just see winnie the pooh cuz cat said he was real cute in the game. =) but yes... sadly enough the vocab terms of Sora, HPs, MPs... keyblades... trinity marks, dalmations, etc is all firmly ingrained in my head. =) david played last night and i got to see princess jasmine. such a lucky girl to be named after a such a wonderful person. (wink) hehe...i haven't started playing my rollercoaster tycoon 2 yet... for the fear of getting all addicted and not studying but hey... better to play now than during finals week right? hehe...
-okay im butt tired. but yet im compelled to blog... maybe that's what makes for a good blog... TIREDNESS... that would make sense though. =) haha. okay i guess it's nap time for me... yay for friday nights. yay for friends. yay for Cat Yap.. =) yay for nice warm blankets... exhales.. i feel so free and like a big boulder has been taken off my shoulders... no more tests! i love it!

 
came across janet's blog and thought i'd take an emode.com test. =) ive forgotten how much i like taking these...

here are my results for my ideal valentine... hehehe.

Romance
Although you're a sucker for romance (oh yeah, definitely!!! to the fullest!) you'll probably cut a guy some slack even if he doesn't constantly pamper you with gifts and affection (I think I do too much though...just let guys stop working and stop impressing me... dammit you guys still need to court a girl even if you've dated her for awhile... you still want her around dont you?) You crave passion in your relationships, so you want a guy who can (and will) express his deepest feelings for you through his actions (that would soooo nice). Someone like Richard Gere or George Clooney, perhaps? (How about Brad Pitt or Billy?) But you know that men aren't very romantic (only the ones I date) , so you're willing to lower your standards in this area if need be. Chances are you're willing to stick around once the courting period ends, though it's still very important that your guy occasionally dote upon you (YES!) . Your realistic-yet-hopeful outlook will guarantee you a good catch! (I sure hope so...)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maturity
There's no denying that men are like fine wine — they definitely get better with age. It's not hard to understand why, when you consider all the benefits of getting older, which is why you like your guys a bit older and more mature (I suppose... maybe just I wanna be taken care of) . Suave and sophisticated, a mature-yet-fun man — like Regis Philbin or Kelsey Grammer's "Frasier" character (none of the above sorry) — would be more likely to settle down into a real relationship and make a lasting commitment. On the other hand, your answers show that you don't go for stiffs who can't crack a joke. What's the point if there's no spontaneity, right? It sounds like you go for guys with experience and a sense of humor that's dry as a fine Chablis, but with a hint of spice. (Okay whatever that means)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lifestyle
Love doesn't come cheap, but it doesn't have to be all that expensive, either. It sounds like you're not very concerned about your ideal man's financial situation (yeah... for the most part. he can't be dirt poor either though . Of course, we all dream of living well, but it's a mistake to mix your expectations of love with your hopes for a first-class lifestyle. Based on your answers, it seems like money isn't a real romantic concern for you. On the airplane of love, you're just as happy traveling coach as first class. (Two TV guys who live up to your financial expectations — or lack thereof — are Chandler and Ross from "Friends.") Being detached from materialist concerns is a healthy, realistic attitude and should help make you happy. It means that when Mr. Right crosses your path, you'll be sure to recognize him and not worry about the size of his wallet (I guess I'm not a good candidate for Joe Millionaire) .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looks
You may not judge a book entirely by its cover, but you definitely like the cute ones. (Who doesn't?!) (HELLO!!! OF COURSE! hehehe... cute smiles, cute eyes, cute abs.. .cute butt... mmm mm good) You might consider someone who's a little less than gorgeous, but you generally tend to seek out very handsome men who can really turn heads. Matt Damon? Noah Wyle? (You mean Dr. Carter ... hehe. I love ER aka the Noah Wyle Show) Right up your alley. But if need be, you're willing to place personality and chemistry before a pretty face and a hot body (Yeah...) . Nevertheless, your answers reveal that you take pride in your man's appearance and get a thrill out of watching others gawk at him (Who ME?!) . You're impressed by looks, and you definitely set your standards high when it comes to physical appearance. Still, you also realize that beauty may be only skin deep and that an average-looking guy with tons of charm might be your perfect match in every other way!

I agree with most of this ... =) but no old farts or crusty men for me please.

 
it is 1am.. time to blog =)

how has jasmine been... hmm besides being emotional.. a little stressed and worried about grad school. school's going alright. my schedule is pretty jammed packed and tight... but my classes aren't too bad. =)

so here's my vent... why is it that it is SOOOOoOOoO hard to talk to anyone about SEX... i dont really get it. maybe i do at times, but sometimes i really dont... i know that a majority of my friends are asian-american and in our families we've grown up with the impression that sex is bad and it's something that we just dont talk about. right? but for a "Sex and the City" lover like myself, it is so strange to watch them 4 talk about sex all the time ... without inhibitions or restrictions. it isnt shameful to them or anything.. just pure talk and conversation about something that is beautiful. why is it that we can't talk about it... it's not like i wanna walk around talking about it 24/7 or whatever... but why is that for something that is supposed to be amazing and beautiful between two people... it is such a taboo, especially in our culture. it doesnt really make sense to me... such a mind-boggling concept...

ive also been thinking a lot about "marriage" and what that whole word means... what makes men so scared of the idea of commitment. sorry for the generalization cuz i know some guys are not (noel.. you are an exception to my theory) and some girls are scared... i think everyone is scared on some level.. .maybe because it means that you lose your independence or you're just not single anymore... you can't sleep with anyone else... i dunno. i always thought that i would get married when i was like 25... but as i'm slowly approaching that age, it seems more and more impossible and less desirable. i would much rather court someone longer and have a long engagement... and then when i do get married, to wait awhile to have kids so that i can spend time with just me and my husband... now, what im gripping about is that i always thought of myself as being a "catch" ... sounds conceited, but wait... a "catch" because i think i would be a wonderful wife/lifelong partner... i'm not the type of person who would just give up on things and i am sometimes too passionate and compassionate for my own good... i love kids... i dunno, overall i think i hold very traditional values about marriage and stuff... and that if someone that i've dated for a long time maybe just randomly thought about marrying me that it would be a pleasant thought. right? maybe im just paranoid about anything that has to deal with the future as i am on the brink of graduating...

i bought a new game... rollercoaster tycoon 2. =) after going to both knotts and magic, i have the sudden urge to build roller coasters. hahaha... weird i know. =) i also finally got myself the john mayer cd... which i absolutely love. he's so sexy.

finally, other than my weird paranoid state ... i feel relatively calm... in the sense that im having fun with my roomies... ALL of them... it's fun to watch the bachelorette or any tv with reggie and talk with him cuz he always makes me laugh and its just nice to see him around more often... cuz now we can actually try to be really cool roomies... woo hoo. and david.. well that's a story in itself. =) hehe nah, i love that guy... even if i'm mean to him. it's all affection... that big jerk. hehe... and jeff... i wish i could see him more but it's tough with busy schedules and stuff... but yeah, whenever i get the chance to talk to him.. it's nice to know that he can help me rationalize my seemingly irrational and erratic feelings and emotions... i love my apt. i love it!

alright time for sleep... =) happy 3 day weekend everyone.

 
once again i find song say the words my heart cannot express...
no doubt rocks...

"Marry Me"

I can't help that I like to be kissed
And I wouldn't mind if my name changed to Mrs.
This is one side, my conventional side
An attraction to tradition
My vintage disposition
My sincere architecture
And I want to cook him dinner
But I'm more indecisive than ever
And who believes in forever?

Who will be the one to marry me?

A girl in the world barking up the wrong tree
A creature conditioned to employ matrimony
Crumbling continuity, I pick up the pieces
The ceremony makes me zealous
As the past quickly ceases
Fear from being neutered
I'm now prude, now defensive
Quickly I'm altered and tempted by new love only rented

Do you believe you'll marry me?
You might be the one to marry me

Back, looking back, looking back at me
I'm not how I used to be
Take me back, take me back into history
Diamond ring, tie me down just like it used to be

Who will be the one to marry me?
Who will be the one to marry me?

...so i dont wanna get married right now. like tomorrow or even 3 or 4 years from now.. but is it THAT scary to think about marrying me... what's wrong with "me" that would make someone so terrified of the idea of marrying me. i dont get it.

 
venting...

am i too emotional. i feel like i am. i hate that i cant control my emotions or that they run their own course through my life and it just rules everything. SIDE NOtE: i gashed my finger on my notebook today and it hella bled cuz it's a deep cut .. think: paper cut .. but like 10x more deep and more painful... so yeah typing is kinda hard without one of my fingers. i'll adapt. haha... but yes, so i cant stand that i just let myself go through emotional highs and then lows and back and forth and back and forth. i understand that THAT is what life is all about and it's not always a high or a low.. and it always fluctuates. i just hate that when im low... i really get low. i know that in high school, i was really borderline depressed for awhile and i let my stupid ex rule my life for a long time. a long ass time. stupid ass sob... i honestly couldnt care less if i ever saw that fool ever again in my life. harsh words, i know. but harsh words for a deservingly person who clearly took advantage of me and my emotional state. but okay enough about that...

adam asked me once if i was depressed. it actually really shocked me because his reasoning was because i was quiet and didnt really talk to his friends or something... i was shocked because not only did he take abnormal psyc and he should know what being depressed really meant and i was clearly not depressed. i think taking abnormal psyc has made me a little paranoid though. like im self medicating myself... i know im an anxious worrisome person but sometimes i think i have an anxiety disorder of some sort. but that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing.. argh. i worry. i worry a lot. i worry about everything. over the break, my face was really dry and had some pinky spots... so i went to a dermatologist and i have rosacea which is caused by many things, but one of them being stress and anxiety .. which i have plenty of. urgh... but yes, how do i make myself less emotional ??? is that even possible? i think ive tried to convince myself that it is just ME... and it makes me ME... nothing wrong with that. but sometimes, when i feel stupid for being emotional, its hard to believe that being emotional is a good character to possess. know what i mean? im going in circles now

i need constant attention. it's strange being the "independent" person that i pride myself on.. emotionally, i'm so dependent on others. i hate that. i hate that i like being able to talk to my bf everyday. is that really wrong though. i dont know. i think ive finally gotten used to not talking to adam everyday cuz over break we didnt really talk everyday.. .but still, i like being able to have someone ask me how my day was or just to say good night to. strange, i know. i love feeling close to someone.. physically. adam always makes fun of how i always have to hug or touch someone when i talk to them. i just like having contact with them. i dunno. im just like that. i love kisses. i love hugs. i need them. for someone who prides herself on being her own woman and all, needing this constant attention is really strange and almost disappointing. i always find myself in the nurturer role that i love so much.. .but i relish in the rare moments where i am the one getting nurtured. i totally cherish them cuz it doesnt happen very often. i dont ask for help very much. (im sure anyone who's seen me work on talent show or high school conference knows exactly what i mean)... it's my perfectionist side. i feel like i can just do whatever needs to get done and do it the way i want it to be. i take care of myself because i feel like only i can do it... strange. but those moments when im truly sick and lying in bed and i need someone to get me my meds or food... or like when i fall asleep on the couch and i wake up to david waking me up (and i usually yell back at him or make some sort of bargain.. haha) or i wake up with a blanket ... or when i'm sick and someone randomly makes me tea... just being taken care of in general can be very humbling but sometimes i crave it... and my pride gets in the way when i want to ask for someone to take care of me... so i just suck it up and go on anyway. okay im not making sense even to myself.. where am i going with this...

im overwhelmed with grad school stuff cuz with hsc last qtr i've basically put it all off til now. so much to do. so much pressure. im taking the msat's on saturday. im worried about it. if i dont pass it, basically no grad school this year. f'real. im taking gre's next week. people take summer long courses on how to pass the gre. argh. i feel stressed but i lack the motivation to really study hard and not sleep too much. i want adam to support me and he does. but he's busy... he just got a new internship for the city of san diego so he has two jobs now... and he's always on top of things and studying and stuff... so he doesnt have much time to begin with. and he rations out his time very limitedly (is that a word?)... i hate asking him for his time cuz i feel like he doesnt have enough. or i ask too much. i know i'm his gf and all but yeah i still feel bad about taking up too much of his time... but what i really need right now, is just someone to always ask me how im doing because i feel very alone in all of this graduating stuff. no one else is coming along this ride with me ... or they're not on the same path anyway. ive internalized a lot of my worries for the sake of saving adam the constant worrying and probably borderline annoying concerns about everything and anything... i just need him. but jasmine, he's there... sometimes, i look at jeff and lisa and i see how they're always together... kinda like how i was with jeremy... and i get jealous sometimes because with them it just seems like they both always enjoy each other's company and they really want to be together all the time. adam would never be like that. i would. but he wouldnt. does that bother me. yes. i dont want to be with adam 24/7 cuz i do crave my own space and my own time... and i like that he has his own life. sometimes ... even now... even though it always comes back to this EVERYTIME i get all mad or whatever at adam... i just dont feel like my space in his life is as important or as significant as his space is in my life. is it bad that i put things off when i want to spend time with him instead... is it bad that i always try to make space for him as much as possible without totally messing up my studying stuff or whatever... bending over backwards. that's what it is. always always always... in true jasmine form. urgh

alright. it's late. time for bed. gotta get up early and get a tb shot. happy happy joy joy. im sure i'll feel better when i wake up... but right now, sometimes i wish adam would just show up .. and know somehow through some telepathic-mind-reading sort of power that i just need a hug or a lift-me-up ... sigh. just show up and give me security that i always seem to lose to quickly.

blogging at midnight always seems to be a trend for me. and i think ive typed pretty well minus my index finger. =) good job jasmine.