it's 1am... im really tired. i shouldnt be blogging... but here i am once again.

watched the mtv vmas... that was pretty cool. enimem was pretty mean to moby. i didnt think that was called for. =T i was happy avril lavigne won best new artist... she's my new obsession... haha. performances were cool. im not too sure about justin's thing.. that was hyped up too much. and what is up with this whole the vines vs the hives thing? i didnt get it. but yeah overall, jimmy fallon was awesome. show was long but cool... i give it one and half thumbs up.

i finished a painting today. felt so nice... i just have to fill in some stuff with a marker and i'll be done... and our bare white wall in the living room wont be so bare no more. =) it felt nice to accomplish something... i haven't painted in a long time... in a very long time and it was nice to just finish it. ive had an unfinished one for the longest time. and also, ive been wanting to paint for ages, but never got around to it. so im proud of myself.. yay.

so i think what's been really buggin' me with this whole adam paranoia thing is just the sheer plain and simple fact that i miss him. i think that's the root of everything. it's tough to be away from him... for such long periods of time. it's tough to not be able to just drive over to his place whenever i want to see him or know that i'll see him at certain times, etc. even though it's been over 2 months of this "missing" stuff, i guess one cant really get used to it. like even though you feel like you're used to it, sometimes reality hits and you realize it's almost as tough as it was 2 months ago. ive picked myself off my ass and out of this rut i feel like ive been in... my rut of negative feelings and viewpoints about everything, my pessimistic insecure self... all of that. i guess im just trying to be positive about things and ENJOY the moment... it's tougher than it sounds. i should just be happy with all that i have right now instead of worrying about what i might or might not have in the future. i know it sounds absurd that one would not think about the future, but i choose now to not ponder on it too much, and just let whatever happen happen. i cant waste my time trying to cushion myself for a fall when i should just be happy with the beauty that is "adam and jasmine"... so instead of worrying about being hurt, or being disappointed... i choose to let go and be myself... and be happy. (let's see how long this lasts... hopefully it will for a long time) adam's heading to boston this saturday... he'll be there for a week with his sister and friend. such a jet setter... f'real. but he'll be back FOR GOOD after that... so im looking forward to that. his house searching thing isnt going as well as they'd like, but im sure they'll find something. if not, he can always sleep on my couch. haha. =) i just cant wait for him to be back here in sd again... and even though this summer has taught the both of us a lot of things and has forced us to better appreciate each other on a different level, it'll be nice to just have some normalcy back again... instead of the emotional highs and lows of seeing each other/not seeing each other. that'll be nice... boy i miss him.

i'll be helping my sister move into her dorm room this weekend. so weird to me that she's going to college when i feel like i just started college. it's strange... almost sad. like i dont want to accept it. i haven't accepted that she can drive yet... she keeps asking me to let her drive my car, but i told her i wont let her because im too stubborn about accepting the fact that she can actually drive... and that she graduated high school... and she's turning 18 on sunday. it's all happening to fast for jasmine. sounds stupid i know. but she's my LITTLE sister... always supposed to be little and im always supposed to look after her... wow... college. this is gonna be a tough weekend.

okay i gotta drive back to LA tomorrow. im adding so many miles to my car... time for an oil change, AGAIN... sigh. finals are next week. sucks really... no pressure, they're only worth about 60% of your grade!!!!!!!! ahhh... alright.. good night my fellow readers, the like two people that are left. =) sleepy time for jasmine.

 
for the sake of brevity and my lack of sleep over the course of these past three days, im blogging in note style bullet points...

THINGS JASMINE HAS LEARNED... since her last blog anyway...
-vegas is ridiculously hot. it got up to 108 degrees at one point. that's insane. how anyone can LIVE in vegas is beyond me...
-got carded when i was WINNING... but definitely NOT when I was LOSING... argh..
-eating buffets day after day is not healthy. DUH i know.. but yeah, my stomach wasn't too happy with me at the end of my trip.
-i have NOT learned how to get rid of static stuff... i was a walking static shocker over the weekend. just couldnt get rid of my static-iness... no matter how many metals things i touched. =)
-Chow women don't travel lightly. haha
-cigarette smoke is so bad... blah!
-all the games are rigged in vegas... from slot machines to midway games... =) but at least i didnt lose any money. i actually came up $10. haha.
-my dad, mom and brother ALL snore very loudly... like it's some sort of modern interpretative music piece at night...
-nectarines are very good =)


okay i dunno what else to include in that list... i guess i do feel like blogging and actually typing out my streams of consciousness. i just painted for a couple of hours. i felt like i needed to get all my frustrations out somehow, and painting seemed like a good medium. =) hopefully i'll finish it by the end of the week so i can put it back up on my wall.. or maybe put it on the wall in the living room.. we do have a really bare BIG white wall. i actually had a wonderful day today... i saw so many people. it kinda made me excited about going to school again in sept... MAYBE. =) i bumped into my old friend Kris... then i saw Rhen and Dan... then i ran into Joe... I went to class... talked to Adam's friend, Chris... got a B on my midterm. woo hoo!! there was a curve so what would have been a C is now a B and that is definitely alright with me... bumped into my roommate from my first and second year, Millie (we went to high school together. i haven't seen her since last year) and we chatted a whole bunch which was awesome... then i bumped into my co-worker, Bethany... went home to rest, got some cute pictures in the mail from my lovely mentee Teresa (I MISS YOU!!!) ... went to class... actually talked to some of my classmates and bumped into one of them afterwards when i went to get dinner... came back and relaxed. it was nice... seeing everyone... and just getting lots of mail. (i got a letter from adam in the morning too) so yeah... i was looking forward to sharing this all with adam, but he didnt want to talk. =T argh... maybe im overreacting, but should i be frustrated that my bf goes through these many periods of not wanting to talk to me? i dunno... but yeah i decided to paint instead of sitting around and just thinking about it.

so yeah vegas was fun. ate a lot. gambled a little. it was fun.

my sister is moving into her dorm room this weekend at sdsu. im real excited.. but at the same time kinda sad that she's all grown up and going to college. it's so weird because i feel like i just started college... sigh.

alright... ive lost my motivation to type. time to shower and sleep... maybe i'll keep up with these blogs after all? *knocks on wood*

 
i feel so much better than what i've been feeling for the past three weeks... sigh. i just had to talk to adam about it ALL... gruesome details and everything. being "brutally honest" is what we call it. just had to share my insecurities and fears with him... even if it made me even more vulnerable. but it was nice... and greatly needed for the both of us... im scared that he's gonna decide one day to leave and i wont see it coming... i feel like ive fallen so hard for him that i would just get hurt all over again if he left... i hate giving him that sort of power over me... but i cant help it. but yeah... we talked. that's what we needed.

and i'm happy that i feel like i can actually talk to jeremy again... like normal people. i miss talking to him because even underneath all the fights, we still had great conversations... at least in person. (right jeremy?) its nice to know that we might just be able to be friends... thank you for letting me be able to go to you and talk to you like before like nothing has changed... i am grateful for it. i truly am. there are ways that you know me that a lot of people dont...

okay my two midterms were way less than perfect. i hate studying. i hate the fact that i am studying even though it's summer time. it all sucks.

oh and i hate those tree shredder things... they suck even more than midterms/finals. loud ass machines... all f'in day long. argh!!! it woke me up in the morning and kept me from taking a well-needed nap in the afternoon before my second midterm (i was feeling sick)... argh!

heading home tomorrow. going to vegas on friday... woo hoo. time to gamble. =) i bet im gonna get carded like a bzillion times... but i am finally starting to feel like im 21. =) even though im not much of a fan of gambling and alcohol in the first place.

alright... i need to shower.

 
alright... so i think i understand what people mean when they say that they've become their own worst enemy... i think ive become paranoid in my own thoughts. really. like i can't stop thinking and sometimes i just need to stop thinking... especially when it comes to things about adam or just relationship stuff in general. maybe its cuz im a psyc major and us psych-o's like to analyze EVERYTHING and try to find out why to why we do the things we do... i dunno. im trying hard to just enjoy all the wonderful things that i have with adam and i... and not superanalyze everything to death. but i cant help but turn into my ugly ol' insecure self every once in awhile. it really stinks actually. for the first time ever in my life, i feel confident in myself... i actually mean it when i say it too. i feel empowered. i feel confident. i feel like i am in control of my life... finally. i know that this summer has really been a challenge for me in so many ways... from missing adam and dealing with all the things that go into a "long distance relationship" sorta... to summerbridge, to summer school... to just doing lots of things on my own when i used to always do everything with jeremy, etc. it's been hard but empowering... then WHY in the world, do i still feel so insecure. it doesnt make sense really. i dunno... sometimes i just want to be told that im special... or that he cares about me. i know he does in the deepest parts of my heart, mind and soul... but it would be nice (esp for the insecure person that i am) to be told that once in awhile... i know he likes to verbalize himself through his heartfelt letters/cards/text messages, but its so strange to me that i rarely ever hear him express himself verbally. it's strange. it almost hurts when i like tell him stuff, and he doesnt really say much back. i dunno. i think im THINKING too much into things. i love adam so much.. so much more than i think i truly understand... so much more than i could have ever imagined. we've grown so much in our relationship so far... and it's been a beautiful yet challenging journey up to this point. maybe it's just cuz i miss him and it's making me think all these weird things. he came down on sunday and left on weds. it was fun. i'll share about that later... in another paragraph. i just needed to vent... even though i know some people might actually still read this and even though that somewhat bothers me because sometimes i really just want to share all my deepest concerns and worries on my blogs, but the fear of what people think that read this always holds me back a little... not because i dont value their opinions about my life... but it's just that it is MY LIFE. hard to explain i know.. okay but yeah, i just need to learn that i am special.. and it's not because of adam or whoever... it's because of me. i dont need someone to tell me that to know it. even if it'd be nice to be told once in awhile, i should just know i suppose. adam's a complicated closed-off kind of guy... and i'm not. go figure. i pride myself so much on my female intuition and how easy it is for me to read guys, but with adam i feel like all the female intuition stuff i really pride myself on so much is all BS... so hard to really see what's going on in that head of his. and i know he's opened himself up to me more... but sometimes, i still feel just terribly lost. alright enough whining and bitchin for now...

so yeah adam was here sunday through weds. it was nice. i picked him up from the airport... i did just about everything i could to kill time because i was so anxious. i shopped and i shopped... i walked slowly around the stores to kill time... yeah, just about everything to KILL time! but yeah... sunday was our anniversary. we decided on it about a month ago... =) actually i was kinda upset with him at the moment... just because of the miscommunication or actually the lack of communication between us ... and how he wanted time alone, but didnt really inform me about that until a couple of days of completely ignoring me. but yeah i tried my best to put that aside since i was going to see him... i brought him a sunflower. it's kind of a inside thing between us i suppose. guys dont usually get flowers... i would always give adam sunflowers whenever i'd take him out or what not... sunflowers because i call adam my sunshine... so sunshine = sunflower. yeah cheesy i know. but it means something right? =) and yeah... i waited for him at the airport and it was nice to see him get off the plane all fresh and summer-y looking and to just give him a big hug. so get this... he's carrying this big ol wrapped frame with him. when i open it that night, it's a picture of sunflowers... haha! it's that strange but beautiful connection that he and i have... it's hard to explain. haha. he also got me this bottle of VO5 conditioner... called "jasmine tease"... yeah whatever. =P

but yeah, he came down to look for houses with this future roomies. it was cool. they found this one nice house. i hope they get it. tuesday night we went roller skating with a big group of his friends. it was like adult night or something. haha. i was really hesitant to go because the last time i went in junior high (years and years ago) i sprained my knee really badly and i was on crutches for like weeks, so i have a bad association with skating and my knee. =( but yeah, i decided to go... i just put on my knee brace under my jeans. =) it was fun. i swear i am the most uncoordinated person ever.. i have trouble walking straight. for real. but yeah... i think i fell about four times. the first time i was skating with tani and i pulled her down with me. (sorry tani) and we got whistled at by one of the workers... he was like "are you okay?"... and it was just even more embarrassing. i mean it's one thing to fall down, its another to have a worker make a huge scene out of it. and yeah... during the "couple's skate"... i was pulling adam behind me... he was holding on to my waist and i was pulling him along... and i guess he pulled me off balance and i fell, then he fell too... and guess what, that same worker guy came by and whistled loudly too. gees... but yeah, the night was fun. i haven't been skating for ages... and it felt like to do something like that with adam... who was extremely patient with me throughout the whole night. we went back to his friends' house afterwards and one of his friends was like, "wow jasmine was like on the floor the WHOLE night"... and i just smiled. even more embarrassing. somehow all my junior high insecurities came flying back at me... =) it was a fun night though.... really. i didnt even know people went roller skating anymore. haha.

so yeah, adam and i got to hang out. he got to hang out with his friends. we did some talking... and even though i dont think we left each other on a good note, it was nice to see him and to be able to wake up with him beside me again. there's something about adam's fun-loving self that is contagious and somehow cracks the serious exterior of jasmine... i took him to the airport weds evening. i think all these very emotional visits that we've had, have taken a toll on us. it's like this big HIGH for like a weekend... then we have to leave each other again... so it goes back down to a low. and it's just very emotional. it's always tough to leave him... it was the toughest to leave him when i was up in SF... but the next time i see him, he'll be back for good. he's currently in tahoe right now. he went to reno for a couple of days with his friends and now he's in tahoe with his friend steve and his parents... they're gonna play some father/son golf. sounds like fun. he's gonna spend a week in boston too with his sister. such a jet setter...

im going to vegas this weekend. yay!!! i finally get to gamble too. woo hoo...
enough whining. i have two midterms this week, time to get a'studying... sigh.

 
things that jasmine has been up to since her last blog...

-surprised adam for his birthday in Foster City. had fun in the city- walked up and down hills. explored like tourists... it was awesome. spent time with his family. saw baby pictures... he lives in a beautiful city with the lagoon and the bay all in the same city. sigh... it was a wonderful weekend. he was totally surprised too! woo hoo...
-flew up to SFO. first time flying since i was 6. scary but fun... nice to see things from a birds eye view...
-alicia keys is an awesome performer. she rocks! it was cold at navy pier but it was well worth it. donell jones is alright but alicia keys rocked the house...
-summerbridge is over and done with. now it's eval week... i miss the kids. but i am enjoying my one extra hour of sleep everyday. i wake up everyday at like 7:30 no matter what now... weird.
-started summer school... sucks really. i dont like being back in school. BLAH! i just got out of school... man!
-still poor and i actually budgeted my income and basically i can't shop for several months. blah
-adam's coming on sunday... woo hoo!!! lisa and marissa are here so i feel left out =T sunday sunday...
-having lots of good conversations with jeff. im so glad he is my roomie... we're so much alike. =) enjoy the moment, enjoy the moment.
-highlighted my hair. it's different... i like it. =) very summer-y. i cut it too but yeah that was like 3 weeks ago.
-i need to clean my room ... clothes everywhere... summerbridge stuff piling up... stuff stashed everywhere... argh!
-mom's birthday yesterday. happy birthday mommy!
-jackie spent the weekend with me... it was fun
-getting the ball rolling on high school conference next week (after i finish with summerbridge)
-having deep conversations with adam... learning to understand each other better. it's amazing. =)
-surrounding myself with pictures everywhere in my room... probably also why my room is so cluttered
-had an apsa dinner at BJ's... it was so much fun to see everyone again.. i miss APSA
-about 70% sure that im gonna graduate this year instead of next year because of this new law about teaching credentials that start after next year... =T which means i will drop one of my majors to a minor and graduate a year earlier = applying to grad school and taking tests THIS year instead of NEXT year... sigh
-learning a lot about myself and feeling empowered by it
-realizing the affect of my gramma passing away and how it's changed the way that i view life in general... and how things do not seem real to me and how hard it is for me to realize that things are very REAL and very TANGIBLE ... like adam and how wonderful everything is with him.
-i am happy and content. and i mean it... wow.