okay... wow two blogs in a day, that's a new record. =) so i was thinking, maybe i should change my screen name. SEE screen names take a lot of thought and consideration.. hahaha. but yeah i was talking to richard yesterday and he asked what my sn meant and i told him. it just reminded me that i've had bbmahal637@aol since my freshman year in high school and just about everyone that i talk to, knows me by that... the nice thing is that people that i haven't talked to in a long time sometimes IM me because they remember my sn. and the sad thing is that i do have other sn's (princessjas431, muchluv4one12, etc) that i never use. BUT i was thinking of getting a new one hehe... and calling it "jazzmatazz"... just cuz everyone calls me that.. and it's not as cheesy as bbmahal637. haha.. well just a random thought

so i have been feeling really WEIRD lately. i dunno... maybe i am just super tired. i think that is what is causing it... but i can't describe how i feel. it's like... i AM happy, but at the same time, i feel exhausted. like emotionally exhausted... maybe it was all that moving this past weekend and i havent had a chance to sleep in and rejuvenate myself. i dunno. ive been asking adam what he's been thinking about cuz i think it's tough for me to really read his mind... but he says he's cool. so yeah i guess it's just me.

i went shopping yesterday... my usual shopping = retail therapy = happy jasmine equation did not work at all... it was more like: no money + shopping + nothing fitting my weirdly proportioned body right + about 5 different stores = SAD jasmine. i swear, it was just majorly depressing. and the whole cloudy sky thing didnt help either... i was planning on wearing an old dress but when i went to dry clean it, the lady said she can have it done earliest on tuesday... sucks. i should have listened to adam and turned it in earlier. but yeah so i didnt have anything to wear... so i went to fashion. i started at charlotte russe and worked my way around the whole mall to reference, forever 21, wet seal, etc... and couldn't find ONE thing that looked half decent on me. =T urgh... it's cuz im too short but not skinny enough to fit into dresses... they're either too long, too tight around the hips, or too big in the bust area... argh... sucks. but yeah i ended up back at charlottee russe because two hours into this whole charade i decided to screw the dress and get a skirt and a top instead... so yeah i picked out a couple of skirts and a couple of tops. now i just have to decide which outfit i wanna wear. they kind of look like church clothes to me... a khaki colored skirt and a cream top... but hey, at least i have something... when i tried it on at home, i actually started to really like it. maybe it's cuz fitting room lighting is not really flattering and my dim light in my room is. =) so yeah im finally excited about grad banquet... im looking forward to seeing everyone all pretty-ed up... and especially adam- he's so cute when he's dressed up... yummy. hahaha... lolz. it was really a depressing shopping trip though... i felt like crying after like the fifth store... and i was just about to give up and say screw grad banquet altogether. (bad jasmine, i know) but yeah ... im happy now. hehe. wish i wasnt so gosh darn moody... okay enough bitchin' about that...

i wish that this quarter would end already... it feels like it's been six months... f'real. can't we just skip over these stupid things called finals and go straight to summer. that would be so nice... and greatly appreciated by all of us wonderful college students. =) sigh... even though i am nowhere close to working as hard as i did last qtr with talent show, i feel like im still as busy and as stressed out as i was last qtr... sigh. where does the time go...

and i have been thinking... i really need to spend some time loving ME. sounds selfish i know... but i have come to the realization that i really do not love myself enough or take care of myself very well... superficially, i dont eat correctly and i dont sleep enough... and if anything, i really need to do those 'simple' everyday things because of my liver condition... what my mom said to me this past weekend about how she always worries about my liver - just really got into my head... you know parents/moms always tell you to eat right and sleep well... but yeah i guess i really need to listen... in the long run, being healthy now will be good for later stuff... =) but yeah... other than that i dont take care of myself emotionally either... i dont spend enough time just vegging out with ME time... i always say im gonna paint, i always say im gonna spend more time leisure reading... i always say that i am going to spend more time at the beach (but that's not totally my fault, la jolla weather is still so unpredictable)... but yeah i really need to do those things... i need to do something other than school, APSA, work and mentor... even though i am probably picking a really bad time of the quarter to start this having it be almost 10th week and all, but hopefully after weds night of finals week- i am gonna to really make an effort to take care of ME... and spend less time putting everyone else's lives ahead of my own. i think in some ways it's great that i love to take care of other people and that i love to take their problems onto my back... but yeah, i think its almost a fault that i care too much... time to care about me too. =) i really have a hard time with that though... like with adam, he's such an independent and self-sufficient guy... he's got his head on straight, he's got this amazing attitude about life, his priorities are straight, he takes care of himself well... he cooks all the time, he sleeps early... he's so positive about things, he's pretty much got his act together... and sometimes it just drives me crazy that i feel like he doesnt need me in his life.. like he's okay with himself. i know he appreciates me and needs me in some ways but sometimes i feel like i need him more than vice versa... and it almost drives me crazy that i want so much to take care of him and be there for him for everything, but he doesn't really need it... and he very rarely asks for it... =T hard to understand but yeah... good example of maybe my weakness? i dunno... but yeah, he's gonna be up north for an internship for the summer and i'll be here in SD teaching and going to summer school... so i'll have a lot of time for myself and summerbridge. i am not looking forward to being away from him for such a long time... but im sure we will be okay. im hoping anyway... i am a little worried, but im trying not to let it get the best of me...

i finally had a long overdue talk with dustin yesterday. i have been wanting to tie up our loose ends for a couple of years now and i never really got the nerve to ask him to talk... never had the balls to i guess. but yeah he was finally online yesterday and we talked. i finally told him how it sucked that we just ruined what could have been a good friendship... i told him about how hard it was just to deal with because i guess i fell too hard for him and stuff... and how long it took for me to just not care about him anymore... it was tough for me to say even through aim but it was nice to finally get it off my back. to finally tell him all the things i have been holding in for so long... and to hear his side of the story... even though closure through AIM is very superficial, it's a start and hopefully he and i can be friends that talk more than once or twice a quarter whenever we happen to run into each ohter. i hope we can actually give it a try at a friendship. =) we'll see..

goals for today: return the skirt i dont wanna wear, do not buy anything else at the mall (urgh i really have no funds unless anyone wants to donate to the jasmine is poor fund hehe), finish unpacking stuff and put stuff on my walls FINALLY, get david to put all his stuff away too, help out at work party, learn the cha cha dance routine, drop by murphy's party... and SLEEP... SLEEP SLEEP SLEEP... sigh.

 
before i write... i have a song. i think i am living my life through these songs. they say the things i can't say correctly and they help to express what i feel cannot be expressed through my own words. =) gosh i love music... hehe.

Save Yourself by sensefield

turn out the light
just say goodnight, to yourself
may I remind you
when you find you, you're all alone is when you've got to be strong
cause that's when they call you, in the night
he's got your picture in his mind
he's got your number on a paper at his disposal anytime

is it really true
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away, to someone who
someone who you
met in bar
the back of a car
and for a moment you felt important but not in your heart
my self esteem, it's been low, go ahead and count it's been lower than low
i know the feeling of it stealing life out from under me
i want to learn, how you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you
so many times we just give it away to someone who, couldn't even remember your name
could you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you, loves me for me
give it away to someone who someone who will cherish your name

cause I want to learn, can you save yourself for
someone who will love you for you so many times we
just give it away, someone who, couldn't even remember your name
you save yourself for someone who, loves you for you,
loves me for me
give it away to someone who, someone who will
cherish your name
cherish your name

sigh... =) aint it true?

 
Passport to Asia
such a nice picture... all of us look so festive and happy! (pic courtesy of stephng.com... sorry for taking it gurl. didnt get a copy of it on my own camera)

 
wow so i haven't written a REAL blog in like ages... all these little songs and quizzy stuff. =) so here goes a real one:

let's see- memorial day weekend. more like a memorial day WEEK. it felt that long.. f'real. all that moving. we were planning on moving our big stuff this past saturday with a uhaul but they mixed up our reservations so we moved all that huge stuff on monday. SO in the meantime, we moved all our small stuff and cleaned like a mofo. f'real... my arms would ache in the middle of the night in places that i didn't know COULD ache. sigh. it was just tough because we moved all our small stuff here but we would like bath and sleep at la cima. but yeah good riddance to la cima and their crappy light switches and moisture filled rooms. =) our new place is awesome. three bedrooms ... baker is moving in with us. he's on my side of the apt so he's like my partner in the apt. =) now the boys can't gang up on me cuz i have baker. or maybe they'll just use him as an ally to make it three against one... hmm. but yeah... the parking kinda sucks here... i dont like tandem (how do you spell that?) parking. so hard to work out our schedules. sigh. now all i have to do is unpack everything... which will probably take me forever knowing how i am when it comes to unpacking. =) but yeah we're having a housewarming this weekend (i think?) and hopefully i'll be unpacked by then and be SETTLED. i long to be settled finally. at la cima- never felt settled.. in the summer had the room by myself, then steph moved in, then steph moved out, then i had the room again but i didnt rearrange everything until about march... and yeah at least now i will be settled for at least a year. ive moved like five times in these past three years. moving sucks... especially with my pack rat self. =) i love our new place though. big and spacious with regularly box-shaped rooms. and no more broken light switches (fingers crossed)... im looking forward to the upcoming year. should be so much fun!

let's see... what else has been happening. been so busy with just LIFE. it seems like ive grown a lot in these past couple of months. i feel so weird about my grandma... like i dunno if im feeling sad anymore or if im becoming numb to it? at times i get real sad and it makes me cry but most of the time i just talk to her at night when i pray... i forget that she is really gone at times... like i still believe i can see her at the convalescent home if i really want to. i feel guilty for not thinking of her all the time though... i know she's not mad about it but i just hope she doesn't think that im forgetting about her. it still hurts inside a lot though but i guess ive been better at dealing with it on the outside and just being busy helps too. speaking of which- my family came down this weekend to visit and drop off some stuff my mom didn't want to mail in case it got lost... we all went to eat at hometown buffet. there was this waiter guy who was just so hilarious! he would carry like six plates across his arm and he just looked like he was enjoying himself so much... it was strange. my sister and i would laugh whenever he'd come by cuz we came to the conclusion that he came from the circus. =) haha. mean i know but it was kinda amusing. i can't believe my sister is graduating from high school in less than a month... seems like i just did not too long ago. she'll be here in san diego... yay. that's gonna be fun cuz we can hang out on weekends and what not. =) just can't believe she's growing up and stuff... she's suppose to be my little squirt of a sister. she's the same height as i am too... sucks. i always wanted to be taller. =)

so ... adam... haha. i dunno what to say. things are nice. =) it's nice to just talk about everything and get into deep conversations about LIFE. plus, he's just fun to be around. super hilarious... oh yeah, that reminds me of apsa retreat! that was fun. i loved all the workshops and i think it went well overall. i was kinda worried when only six people showed up at the carpools... but im glad that i went and that i got to spend time with my apsa peoples. it was fun to play mah jong and learn how to modern two-step from john... and make cool bracelets (thanks victor again for all the kind words) ... i also love the silent affirmation activity. ive been wanting to do that for a long time now... just keep forgetting about it. but im glad that armando remembered and did the activity. it just makes everyone feel so nice and loved. =) people were tapping in weird places though... like my neck and knee... but im assuming that those came from adam. =) well im hoping anyway. it was fun to teach people how to play mah jong... i haven't played in so long. i think i just didnt feel like playing cuz it reminded me of playing with my grandma. she would get so happy whenever we played and she was super elated when i told her that i learned how to play... she used to say that playing mah jong made her feel better. (sigh i miss her) but yeah playing was relieving... it helped me to associate it with positive feelings and memories. but yeah... kudos to mikey and his auntie molly for letting us in for a night. =) it was nice to hang out with apsa too... bonding stuff is always nice

okay so yeah... i haven't seen any movies lately. adam and i watched "a beautiful mind" last thursday at pc theatre. it was pretty good... now i know why it won for best picture at the academy awards. they like those kind of movies. but it was good... made you think. i haven't really done much these past couple of weeks... not a lot of studying anyway. im trying but i get so tired when i get home... sigh. finals is rolling around the corner and it's coming in full force. sucks... im ready for the summer. summerbridge is starting right after finals. im excited though... i'm gonna be ile (science) dept chair. but yeah i have to figure out a curriculum and everything this week... argh so much work!!! so yeah, other than school, work, mentoring, apsa... there hasnt been much time for me. =) adam went hiking this past weekend with his high school friends so yeah i got a lot of me time this weekend. but yeah... he came back on monday just on time to help us move. lucky him. =) grad banquet is this weekend. it should be interesting... too bad im too broke to buy a new dress. im gonna dry clean an old one i wore to kp semi my freshman year... only jed would probably recognize it cuz he was date... but yeah, wish i had funds to get a new one. =) im looking forward to getting dressed up and all... that's always fun. plus celebrating the year is awesome too... okay this is a long blog... but im gonna end it with something that made my day today. i had the LONGEST day today.. i really should be in bed already. haha. i got up at 7am cuz i slept at adam's and i needed to shower and stuff... class from 9-12, work 12-4, class 4-7, and then i watched dawson's for an hour (it was a good episode by the way) and then it took me forever to reconnect the computer and use my desk the REAL way im supposed to (with the tower in the cabinet and all), and wrote my psyc 104 paper, and yeah now im here... but yeah back to my highlight- went to the apsa office during work time to chill while putting up flyers and ran into cat, emily and agnes. they had the list for grad banquet and i wanted to see if my name was on it since adam got my ticket for me and all... but yeah, i saw that i had chicken next to my name. (and with past banquet experiences, the chicken always tends to be dry and bland) so i was like, "oh man i should have told adam i wanted beef" and then cat said, "oh no, he just picked one of each and he said that whatever she (yours truly hehe) doesnt want, i'll eat"... AWWWWW... hehe so thoughtful. okay enough of that mushy stuff... hehe im happy though... with everything. i feel content with myself... and that's just nice. sigh.... =)

 
i came across this CD. i used to love this song... sigh. high school days.

You Don't Have To Hurt No More - Mint Condition

I don't like the way he treats you
That's not the way that I would do you
What gives him the right to say it's you that he owns

All those nights he left you to cry
Left you with nothin' but tears in your eyes
Girl just come with me cuz his house is not a home

Girl he's over and gone
You don't have to hurt no more
And I'll be there for you
To give all the love you yearn for

And you don't have to hurt no more
Baby he's over
I'll be what you're looking for
Let me take over
And you don't have to hurt no more
I'll make you see
I'll be what you're looking for
And more
So you don't have to hurt
You don't have to hurt

No more

How could he look into those pretty eyes and hurt you (Oh, no)
You don't have to hurt (No, no)
No more (No, no, no, no, yeah)

Every day I see you with those sad eyes
You try so hard to hold back from all your crys
Just come with me there is no reason for your
Broken heart to stay

Girl your heart will heal
From all the pain you feel
Let me show you the real
Love you've been waiting for
Just close the door
You can not take no more
There is no reason for


Girl he's over and gone
You don't have to hurt no more
And I'll be there for you
To give all the love you yearn for


And you don't have to hurt no more
Baby he's over
I'll be what you're looking for
Let me take over
And you don't have to hurt no more
I'll make you see
I'll be what you're looking for
And more
So you don't have to hurt
You don't have to hurt


Girl he's over and gone
You don't have to hurt no more
And I'll be there for you
To give all the love you yearn for

And you don't have to hurt no more
Baby he's over
I'll be what you're looking for
Let me take over
And you don't have to hurt no more
I'll make you see
I'll be what you're looking for
And more
So you don't have to hurt
You don't have to hurt

And you don't have to hurt no more
Baby he's over
I'll be what you're looking for
Let me take over
And you don't have to hurt no more
I'll make you see
I'll be what you're looking for
And more
So you don't have to hurt
You don't have to hurt

No more

Huh, spent too many nights at home alone just hurting
Oh, no you don't have to hurt
Don't have to hurt, oh yeah
No more
Huh, he must be a fool to leave you all alone just hurting
Oh no, not again

 
See what Care Bear you are.

 
another rendition of the FRIDAY FIVE!

1. What's your favorite TV show and why?
My all time fave tv show would be Friends. I cant get enough of it. I watch all the reruns and they still crack me up. I am looking forward to another season. Plus, i always feel better after watching Friends. I also like Sex and the City... it's an awesome show. Felicity too.. too bad it's ending real soon. sniff sniff..
2. Who is your favorite television star?
Wow... tough question. hmm... I really like Jennifer Aniston on Friends and Lisa Kudrow too. They're my favorites.
3. What was your favorite TV show as a child?
I used to love Alvin and the Chipmunks and Full House (I like watching Full House in the afternoons on TBS/WGN... yay for reruns!)
4. What show do you think should have been cancelled by now?
Hmm.. Frasier? I haven't watched it since they moved it off of the Thursday night lineup... I like the show but it's been on for like forever.. =) Sorry.
5. What new show do you hope escapes the axe this season?
I really like the new show ALIAS (i'm certain they won't cut it cuz Jennifer Garner got a Golden Globe for her character)... i also hope they don't cut My Wife and Kids. that's a pretty good show. Watching Ellie is pretty funny too. =)