WELCOME to the fridayfive!!!
1. What are your hobbies?
Let's see... besides sleeping??? hehe. i like to read. i wish i had more time to leisure read. i read pretty fast too since i've been a bookworm all my life so it's hard for me to put down a book when i get really into it... and it gets even harder to put it down when like i only have 60 more pages to go. =) i played tennis last week. i wish i played more often. i miss it.

2. Do you collect anything? If so, what?
Heehee... I collect Pooh Bear stuff. I have about 40+ pooh bear bean bags... I've been collecting for over a year now. I have the whole zodiac series and i'm about halfway done on the chinese zodiac series. yay!!! It's a pretty scary addiction actually... i get real happy whenever i get a new one. like how i got a new one this week- the year of the rat. =) everyone (especially DAVE and REGGIE.. like to call it my "pile of POOH") yeah yeah yeah... dont hate, what did pooh ever do to you?

3. Is there a hobby you're interested in, but just don't have the time/money to do?
I would love to play the guitar or violin. I can play the piano but i wish i had like weekly lessons so that i can be proud to say that i know how to play.. =)

4. Have you ever turned a hobby into a moneymaking opportunity?
Nah, I'm not financially savvy enough to do anything like that. i swear- numbers and jasmine dont go together. add money to the mix and you've got CHAOS

5. Besides web-related stuff (burbs, rings, etc.), what clubs do you belong to?
well let's see... i belong to this "club" called APSA. that's all i gotta say.

 
so yeah... hello

i decided to drop my icam 101 class today. sucks. i know i shouldnt have... but i dont know. i feel so overwhelmed in my life right now and maybe dropping a class will help me out?? i dunno. i think i'm cutting down on school to help me solve my problems when it really should be the other way around. argh... i dropped a class last qtr too because of talent show... great. it's gonna become a habit now. just watch... i am really disappointed in myself. i feel like i have lost a lot of motivation these past couple of weeks. when im thinking about my grandma, i feel sad. when i dont think about her, i feel guilty for not thinking about her... i have lots of studying to do. midterms frenzy i tell yah. problems with jeremy- like usual. he moved everything out of my apt. i think we're gonna try to not talk to each other at all which is hard because he's been my closest friend for two years now and how do i let something like that go. i still care about him and i love him dearly, i just dont think that i am IN LOVE with him... i dont think i've been in love with him for awhile now. i do love him though... he's so important to me even though he causes me so much more stress than i think is humanly possible. argh.

then there's the whole housing issue AGAIN... if you read my old blogs, i b*tched about housing for about 3 months. now im back to that again. sucks sucks sucks... i dont know. i feel so lost and sad... i feel like the world is moving on and im just standing still. life seems to precarious to me now. it seems so short and i feel bad that im just sitting here wasting time complaining about everything and just being in this foul mood i've been stuck in for about 3 weeks now. i am tempted to blame my pms-ing self to it but i always use that as my scapegoat... where do i find my motivation now??? God has given so much more love than i deserve... i just need to cherish it and appreciate it more... help me God.

this weather is so strange. hot cold hot cold... sunny rainy sunny rainy... strange isnt it? i wish it would just stay hot.

i need to find my motivation. i need to find my passion... where did it go???

 
wow i havent written in a month. that's a long time. there's so much to say and yet i dont know if i am really in a mood to write it all out. well let's see...

talent show-
went so well. it was such a great experience for me. the committee heads were all so dope. i couldnt have asked for a better group of people to work with... and ian. i can go on and on about ian. he's an amazing guy. =) the show went well. i think that maybe the acts should have only performed one song. show was 3 1/2 hours long again. maybe ian can fix that next year. =) but yeah.. the day of went well... luckily pc tech was set up way before we expected them to. (thanks tom) it was nice... i have so many things to say but i'll save it for another time... the emcees were dope too. the two mikes on the mic. it was awesome. i was in talent show withdrawal for awhile. i missed having the meetings and just being around everyone. i especially miss talking to ian all the time. =) he's my co-chair for life.

life in general-
my grandma passed away last friday. i think all of us expected it for awhile now... and we were all waiting for it. but i dont think anyone of us ever thought it'd really happen. i didnt at least. i know she's been sick for several years now. ever since i started college... we all found out she had colon cancer the week before i left for college. she had surgery the week i started college. it was a stressful time for me. and she's been up and down since then. her condition got really bad these past couple of months. she was in the hospital for a long time and then she was moved to the convalescent home. i visited her as much as i could but i probably could have more... =( i was home the weekend before she passed away. i went home on saturday (my sister stayed with me for a couple of days since she was on spring break) with my sister... and we visited her. she was hot and kinda itchy... she asked me to scratch her neck for her so i did... and then she kinda dozed off and woke up again and was surprised to see us... she was like, "Jasmine? (in chinese)" ... that was the last night i think she really spoke to anyone. she looked really good that night. her eyes were open all the way. she drank a lot of water... and she just looked really good. it gave me hope that she would get better... i know it was naive of me to think that she could recover from terminal cancer... but still i still hoped that maybe a miracle would happen... anyhoo-- that sunday, the nurses told my grandpa that he should stay with her during that morning when he went to visit her... and he freaked out so all of us (my family) went there and she looked really bad. she seemed to have lost consciousness... she didnt talk to anyone she didnt acknowledge anyone... everyone was crying and just sad... i left back to sd that day. and that was the last time i saw her... =( i didnt kiss her goodbye. i dont know why.... i regret it now. sorry grandma. =( i just told her that i'll be back next weekend to see her and that i loved her. i held her hand for a little bit and said goodbye... i regret not kissing her goodbye. =(

so last friday- a week ago. exactly.. a week exactly. she passed away friday night around 10:30pm. i was at borders with jeremy. he had dropped by earlier that week to surprise me for our "anniversary" date type of thing even though we've been broken up for a month now. that was thoughtful of him... but im glad he was around because i broke down in front of borders. i was avoiding phone calls from my mom because she had called earlier that evening leaving voicemails about how i went over on my cell phone minutes and she sounded pissed. as i was leaving borders, i checked my voicemail and she said that they were on there way to see grandma. my heart stopped... i called her and when i got a hold of her, she had just gotten to the hospital... and the nurses were telling her that grandma was gone. i can't explain how i felt. even though ive tried to prepare myself for this... and even though i knew that it was gonna happen sooner or later... i still hoped that it would happen later. i felt everything inside go numb... i dont know how i remained standing up. but my mom said she had to go and i just stared at jeremy. then i just starting screaming and crying... it was painful inside. i didnt know what to feel. i still dont know what to feel. jeremy drove me home and took care of me... thank god for him. thank you god for having him be there at the right time. i cried and cried...

i went home saturday. everything seemed weird. no one was talking about it but everyone was thinking about it. the house didnt feel the same knowing that she would never be there... it felt so weird. she hasn't been in the house for a couple of months now (since she's been in the hospital and all)... but i still felt like if i wanted to see her i could at the convalescent home. but knowing that i couldnt ... made me sad. i drove back to sd on sunday in time for church. it was nice. monday- i still mentored even though my heart wasnt in it. i went to the officer's meeting too. i felt compelled to tell dave about what was going on with me even though i really didnt want to tell everyone about it... not that i didnt want the people who care about me to know what was going on but i felt like if i kept it to myself, i could deal with it... but yeah i told dave. he's been such a supportive friend from the beginning of my college years. he gave me this pooh frame with the sweetest and very thoughtful note. (he also gave me an umbrella since it was raining that day)... it wasn't so much that it was gift but it was more of just having him touch my heart in a special way and having him just be there for me. even though i didnt really tell anyone i think the word spread around and i got KUDOS of the week. i didnt expect it... i haven't done much with apsa this qtr. but i think i needed it. just all the wonderful and encouraging notes from everyone made me smile and reaffirmed my faith in why i love apsa so much. i have an amazing support network and even when i dont think that i should share my troubles with them, they make it easy for me to share it with them and then they make me feel so much better. thank you guys. i feel blessed to have you all in my life... i feel truly blessed. (i was feeling really depressed before the meeting. i was feeling overwhelmed)

so yeah i went back up to LA on tuesday for the viewing. i was real apprehensive about seeing my grandma in her casket... i was scared that i would have this image of her that i would never be able to get out of my head. but im glad that i went ... she looked so peaceful and it gave me peace in my heart knowing that God was taking care of her. the memorial service was on Weds around 11am. it was nice. they had TOO many flower wreaths that they had to put them outside. she was greatly loved. so many people came out... all her exercise friends and mah jong friends. it was nice... the chaplain did the service both in english and chinese. he read letters that my auntie and my cousin wrote. and then i got up there to say something. it was the hardest thing to do but im glad that i did it. it was hard to hold back my tears and stuff. my mom the night before just said to write something to say tomorrow so i only wrote notes... everyone kept telling me that it'd be nicer to say something from my heart. hopefully grandma liked what i said. =) afterwards, we all went to eat at a chinese restaurant. it was nice. all my cousins from new york (half of them which i've never met before) came and it was nice that all of us were in the same room... even though something sad brought us together, it was nice to meet all of them. i haven't see the oldest two since i was six and they don't remember meeting me either. =) we went home afterwards and just sat around in the living room... just talking about happy memories. like the old songs that she used to sing to us... that all of us have memorized in our hearts. my grandpa was like, you all grew up with those songs. =) that made me feel nice. i also learned that i have two cowlicks... i never noticed because obviously i cant see the back of my head. =) but yeah the only other person that has that is my aunt and my grandma. my mom told me that when i was born and they saw the two cowlicks, my grandma was super happy cuz it was from her and that it meant that i'll be "smart"... haha. that made me feel special. =) we all went out to eat dinner again... and we went to this cafe place. it was alright. =) i had a steak.. yum. but yeah.. its funny because in my family all the cousins/kids have like a partner... i'll explain: the oldest two are me and christina (who are about 2 years apart), the next two are my sister and melissa (who are 3 days apart).. then the two boys are michael and jeffrey (they're 5 months apart), and the youngest two are alexandria and stephanie (who are 2 days apart)... so we all sat next to our "partner"... haha. we took some big pictures. im excited to get a copy and put it in my frames... i hope that grandma was happy to see all of us together finally. they all left that night. we exchanged im's and stuff. it was really nice...

i came back to sd on thursday in time for my two classes. i feel so far behind on my school work. i have a paper due on tuesday that i asked my professor for an extension for ... and he emailed back saying there's still time to write it and he needs more detail about my "death in the family"... is that bogus or what? i find that cold hearted almost. i have two projects for icam, two journals for tep... i feel so behind like everything is piling on top of each other. argh... and the thing is: i can't this all off my mind. i can't. to add to the whole mix- i have no one to live with or no place to live and i have to move out in about a month and a half cuz the roommate i was supposed to live with told me last minute that i cant live with her anymore. sucks really. and yeah this whole jeremy mess... trying to figure out what kind of "friendship" we have after this whole break up mess... it's so complicated. but yeah im super grateful for him. he's been through this whole grandma situation almost from the beginning around two years ago. he's been through all the ups and downs with me. if anything, i feel so blessed to have him in my life. i dont know what would have happened friday night without him... i needed him and he was there at the right time and place... and he's been there for me everytime i start feeling sad and when i just need to cry it all out. thank god for him...

argh... i feel overwhelmed. god help me.